Transforming Through Love: Paul Zolman's Journey from Anger to Affection through the Five Love Languages

Have you ever considered the transformative power of love languages? Our recent conversation with Paul Zolman, a man who turned his life around from a family culture dominated by anger to one characterized by love, is sure to get you thinking. Paul offers a compelling narrative of his journey towards self-discovery and love, drawing on the principles from the book, The Five Love Languages. His unique approach to practicing love languages, including his 'love language cube' game, is nothing short of inspiring.

We delve into real-life applications of these principles, discussing Paul's wife's love language and how it shapes their interactions. Her preference for gifts and quality time, and her occasional impatience, serve as tangible examples of love languages in action. This enlightening conversation offers insights into how a daily commitment to expressing love can significantly alter relationships and self-perception. If you're ready to redefine your understanding of love, roll the die, and let love guide your day, this is one chat you won't want to miss.

You can find Paul and information on his Role of Love book and cube at:
www.roleoflove.com

Role Of Love Dice (@roleoflovedice) • Instagram photos and videos

Paul Zolman | Author (@paul_zolman) • Instagram photos and videos

https://www.facebook.com/roleoflovedice

https://www.facebook.com/paul.zolman.7/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulzolman/

Role of Love Dice (@roleoflovedice) / X (twitter.com)

Join ~300 other Dads like you by joining The Balanced Business Dad's Facebook group here: dadupgroup.com

Check out our website at: thebalancedbusinessdad.com

Transcript

Voice Over: 0:01

Dads, do you want a thriving business that doesn't control you, a passionate marriage and kids that adore you? Do you want to grow deeper in your faith, be healthier both physically and mentally, build more meaningful relationships with your friends? Welcome to the Balance Business Dad podcast, where, in each episode, we dive into balancing and optimizing the six pillars of life Faith, health, marriage, fatherhood, brotherhood and business. And here are your hosts, pioneers of the Balance Business Dad movement Dustin Hoag and RJ Campbell.

Coach Dustin: 0:36

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Balance Business. Dad, I'm your host, coach Dustin with me. As always, the very single seasoned can't even pronounce it the seasoned and the distinguished Mr RJ Campbell. Rj, how are you doing today? Almost, coach, rj, almost, I'm working on it. He's a coach, he just doesn't realize.

RJ Campbell: 0:54

Coach with a little C, we keep saying Haven't graduated to big C coach. Awesome RJ, I love you oh wow, I've never heard that from him.

Coach Dustin: 1:04

Well, and that is because we have a very special guest with us today and we haven't had a guest on the show for a while, so I'm super excited about this. So you guys can hear other people besides just RJ and I, but we have Mr Paul Zolman with the role of love. Paul, welcome to the show. How are you.

Paul Zolman: 1:23

Thank you, dustin, it's good to be with you and RJ.

Coach Dustin: 1:27

Yeah, so I this is going to sound funny, but I love the title of kind of what you're doing and everything like that and I'm not going to ruin it for everybody. So, paul, just tell the dads out there kind of who you are, what you do and what brought us together.

Paul Zolman: 1:42

Well, I'm a father as well. I actually had eight children with my first wife, and so I've just, yeah, have 17 grandchildren. I'm number 10 of 11 children. Our families are prolific. My grandfather had 19 children, and so we're we're actually diminishing it 19 to my father's 11, to mine eight. My children only have three. I don't get it, dustin.

Coach Dustin: 2:09

I have ideas, but Wow, that's incredible.

RJ Campbell: 2:13

We're trying to repopulate the whole western side of the country.

Coach Dustin: 2:17

So, paul, tell us a little bit about kind of what you do and your story that led you up to today and what you have.

Paul Zolman: 2:24

My story is actually as number 10 of 11 children I was. I was raised in a family that it was kind of an angry family and I didn't realize how angry it was until my sister in law, about 15 years ago, I had divorced and I was dating and it was time for big brother approval. When you're number 10 of 11, dustin and RJ you have to have big brother, big sister approval for that matter. And so I was going up north, to 300 miles north, to get that big brother approval. First thing that happens, I go inside, my sister in law pulls this woman aside and says the only emotion that the Zolman family learned growing up was anger.

Paul Zolman: 3:07

First I denied it, I said uh-uh, then it made me mad, she nailed it and I was busted, and so so what happened with that is that I realized that there was an opportunity here to change that perception of the Zolman family. So I started working on trying to be more loving, started reading the color code, the five love languages, and that's kind of. I settled on those principles of the five love languages because I was on Christian and they they actually reconciled to life of Jesus Christ. Dr Chapman was a reverend he's the one that they identified, that they recognize to life of Jesus Christ. So I wanted to do that.

Coach Dustin: 3:47

Love it. So I mean, it sounds like you were kind of self discovered. Uh, that made you angry, that you were a lot about anger. So how does one you know when you went down the path to learn how to be loving? I don't know if I've ever heard that before and I love that. What is, what does that journey look like?

Paul Zolman: 4:05

I think what I needed first, dustin was, was that I needed to know where I was at, and that moment with my sister-in-law actually was more of a self actualization moment. I realized that I was from that angry group and it was more of a culture that has angry vocabulary, it has angry humor, it has sarcasm, it has the put downs, has a culture of his own. I realized I do a lot of those things, and why? How do I break out of that? And so I had to figure out a way to break out of it. So, and in applying to the five love languages, I figured I read the book four or five times. From coming from that culture, I didn't know how to apply it, so I was just trying to figure out. What do I do?

Coach Dustin: 4:52

Nice, I love that. So how did you discover the five languages? Like the book, was that recommended to you or did you just? Were literally looking up love and that showed up?

Paul Zolman: 5:01

You know. Thanks for that question, dustin. It's a. It really is kind of a discovery that that goes along the Christian lines. When Jesus is at the Last Supper, he's telling all his disciples one of you is going to betray me, and every disciple was it? Not just Judas, but all the disciples go to him and say Lord, is it I? And I guess that's the introspective question that I started asking myself after the demise of my first marriage I had.

Paul Zolman: 5:34

What was happening, dustin, was that I was being annoyed, annoyed, annoyed, annoyed. I was a very patient, angry person, if there is such a thing. So I was. I had I would get up to the fifth or sixth or maybe the seventh annoyance and then I'd blow. Most people have a short fear is they'll be annoyed one time. Boom, right there, they're right there.

Paul Zolman: 5:58

But I was just really patient as an angry person and so, wanting to change that, I started figuring out well, how do I change that? I realized that I needed a replacement behavior. So what I did was I contacted Dr Chapman and asked him if he'd licensed those little icons for the love languages, and his attorney wrote back and said no, they're not doing it. Well, dr Chapman's methods wasn't working for me. What he, what Dr Chapman says. If I guess RJ or Dustin what your love language is and cater to that, we're going to be buddies. I didn't come from love, but that did not sound like love to me. That sounds like more of a manipulation of sorts, that if I was to cater to some someone's request for that. The second thing was that, well, if, if I take the test that Dr Chapman had to find out what my love language was, what the heck am I supposed to do with that? Do I advertise? Hello, dustin, I'm gifts. What do you have for me today? That is so darn awkward. I mean you can imagine going up to people asking them that question. Yeah, I mean, it's just ridiculous. Those didn't work for me.

Paul Zolman: 7:14

So I had an idea that what brought our family together is dysfunctional. As we were growing up, what brought our family together was games, and so I thought there was still a smack talk, there was still to put down, there's still all the competition in those games, but it brought our family together. I thought, well, what if I could make this a game? And and I thought, you know, when I got the reply from Dr Chapman's attorney, I went to my own attorney and said I got this idea, what do you think about it? And he said that theory, like the love language theory, is not copyrightable. Application is. So he wasn't doing it as a game.

Paul Zolman: 7:53

So I made my own little icons and I put it on a cube. So I've got all the five love languages on the cube. So here you'll see a person holding a platter and it's just a picture that represents service. Two hands put together make a heart and then a little conversation flower. Those are the words of the heart. Or the words A hand holding an hour glass. That represents time. A hand holding a gift and then finally, two hands together touching. That's. That is the touch. The sixth side of the cube has a hand holding a question mark, and that's surprise me. So just two instructions. You roll the die every day. That's the love language you practice giving away all day. That day.

Paul Zolman: 8:37

And what I found, rj and Dustin, is that this was the replacement behavior for me that really worked for me within a 30 day period. It was just almost miraculous, because what I realized, my thought process before that was what's wrong with that person, why are they doing it that way? And I was getting into other people's space when it wasn't even my business. I have no choice of what they're doing in their life. I have no control over what they're doing in their life.

Paul Zolman: 9:03

But I thought I did and I started making comments like that, started being annoyed at them doing it a way that I wouldn't have done it. And because of those annoyances stacking up like that, then I was getting to the point of being angry when I started rolling the die. Now the thought process is what's right about that person? What can I love about that person". And I was so busy doing that because I really believe that we were focused on the minority of what people do. Most people are intrinsically good, but we focus on what they do bad or their weaknesses or their faults. And instead of focusing on that minority part of a person, I was now focusing on the majority. And that kept me so busy that I had no time to be annoyed, no time to say what's wrong with that person or even go down that critical path. It was a 180-degree turn in this other direction.

RJ Campbell: 10:01

It's interesting. So for the few people that may not I know we went through these a little bit when you just showed the die, because there may be some people I hard to believe that did not read the book on the five love languages. So, Paul, just real quickly, what are the five love languages that we're talking about?

Paul Zolman: 10:16

So you've got service. Service would be. Some people that like service would want their car washed, they want the carpet vacuum, they want the trash taken out, they want the dishes washed, they want help with the laundry. They want that sort of thing and a lot of other things. I mean you can get the idea On the words. People like the words I love you. They like compliments, they like to hear the words and they like compliments on who they are or what they're doing. That's spectacular.

Paul Zolman: 10:49

People that like time. Those people just like to chill out. They like to watch TV, they like to just be in the same room or be beside someone at all times. They want that time spent with and however way you want to spend that time, they want that time spent Most of the time. They want quality time. But obviously you get the idea. It's all positive. We're not spending time hitting one another. That would not be good. So the next one would be touch. Touch would be for in a business situation be the high fives, the fist bumps, the pad on the back. That's encouragement for those people. What you're watching for as you're rolling through these love languages is when they light up. No longer do you have that awkward moment that you say, excuse me, could we pause this relationship for a minute so that I can have you take this survey, so I know how to love you. You don't have to do that anymore.

RJ Campbell: 11:46

Can you read this book real quick for me?

Paul Zolman: 11:48

Yeah, exactly.

RJ Campbell: 11:49

So you roll.

Paul Zolman: 11:52

The last one would be gifts, Gifts yeah, so you have the die.

RJ Campbell: 11:58

I have two things. One is just exactly what's the use of the die, and then, because I haven't read it, what is the book and how does the book play in? So how do you use the die every day? Then we'll talk about the book.

Paul Zolman: 12:09

So you use the die to kind of it kind of sets a theme for the day. That's the type of love opportunities that you're watching for all day long. And again the mindset is what's right about that person, what can I love about that person? And I was single when I created this. Rj, it's a great question that you asked. I was single when I created it and I couldn't do it like Dr Chapman suggests. I did not have a significant other. I said, what the heck am I going to do? And I figured, well, I'll just do it to everyone. And it really worked out well for me because I wanted that character change. Doing it for a significant other is just a part-time job. I don't know anybody, maybe even anybody in their right mind that is with their significant other 24-7. We need that time apart. We need that appreciation time that when we come back together then it's a happy reunion time, but nobody's with their significant other 24-7. This really worked out well. I started loving everybody that I came in contact with and that was very helpful. So that's what the dike kind of indicates that you're looking for love opportunities all day long.

Paul Zolman: 13:21

In that genre the book is suggestions. Obviously it covers the five love languages. But there are other roles of love. So I talked about the role of touch, the role of service, all those roles of the love languages. But I also talk about the role of observation that I talked about, that you're watching for them to light up. When they light up, you know and it's more like a Christmas tree light up, they really light up when you hit their love language and and that's the theory that I really love about Dr Chapman, is that everyone has a specific love language that they love more than any other. You'll find that as you, as you start practicing, that it's not going to be everybody that you're coming contact with every day, but it's kind of a you're doing the shotgun approach that you're sending it out and just watching for people, hopefully to make their day, to make them light up and help them have a good day. They'll spread that to their own circles of influence. That's what the books all about.

RJ Campbell: 14:23

Interesting. So you're saying so. You would roll the die in the morning and let's say it comes up acts of service. So then, throughout the day, your goal is to look for acts of service that you can do for others, to show that as a, to see if they receive that and light up as their love language. You know what I?

Coach Dustin: 14:39

really like about that Is it has nothing to do with anyone else, it's all internal right. You're saying, you're purposefully saying I'm going to show love today and I'm going to do it like this. That is such, yeah, a intentional way. I think is the best word. I'm looking for an intentional way To make sure you're a loving person and I you mentioned it is all. It was all about changing your character. I'm a huge fan, a huge proponent of the five love languages it. Anybody who goes through the council we talked through it and especially people like this guy over here, didn't know what the book was for a long time. Yet you know we were intentional about it. But this is just.

RJ Campbell: 15:20

This is how do you be intentional to just be a loving person, love that, yeah, that's what I picked up as, paul, when you said before, is I don't have time to be annoyed by people anymore. Just by the way, I'm fully annoyed by people mostly, yeah, most of the time. So you don't have time to be annoyed, yeah, because you're just busy loving instead.

Paul Zolman: 15:39

Okay, I'm not going to be annoyed by this guy, I'm just going to love him and I look at it, rj, like staying in your lane, what you realize what those boundaries was? As from that abusive Childhood I didn't. I didn't know what the boundaries were because I was trained differently, that that I could look on other people's stuff and talk about other people's stuff. And it was my choice about other people's stuff wrong, absolutely wrong. You cannot make choices for other people. They make. They have their own agency to make their own choices.

Paul Zolman: 16:10

And once I realized that and realize, stand in my lane, what is my lane? My lane now is to send out love. And it's really, rj, you hit it right on the nose, or I think, dustin, you said that it's not about, it's not about me anymore. Really it's about them and it's about when. And you know you hear a lot of today about self-love. I think it's a lot of who we out there about self-love, because I think that when you send love out and you make somebody's day, it's a payday for you. You're helping someone, you're lifting them up and making their day. You're gonna feel good about that. You're really gonna feel Warm and fuzzy inside and that's and that's kind of the love that you want to feel anyway, the self-love that you feel that you're a good person and you helped another person have a better day.

Coach Dustin: 17:00

Amazing. I love it. So, paul, obviously our goal here is to help business dads. You know, in in all areas are the important areas of life, and just to be better tomorrow than they are today. So what is one piece of advice you would give the business dads out there that are managing, you know, their faith, their health, marriage, fatherhood, brotherhood and their business? What is that one piece of tangible advice that you would give someone that you learned through your journey?

Paul Zolman: 17:28

great question, dustin. I would say that the consistency to love, because you you, by doing it in this way, you're developing that consistency that wherever you're at whether it's at home, or at work, or at play you are consistently choosing to love and that consistency is going to, it's gonna help you with your fatherhood. It's really. Your children will see that consistency. They will always feel loved, regardless whether you're at work, or I mean, you'll be able to see what they need. By sending it out and realizing, watching for them to light up, you're finding, finding out what their primary love language is. That's one thing about this I think is really important, dustin, is that this, by doing this, or even over a 30 day period I've been doing it for since 2017, since I had the cube itself copyrighted. I've been doing this all that time, every single day, but by doing that, I now know the five love language, backwards and forwards. You can do that within a 30 day period and the best part about that, it gives you eyes to see that maybe somebody's loving on you and you didn't see it before.

Paul Zolman: 18:41

Most people, like Dr Chapman says, can only see their primary love language and they determine that's love, but they don't see all these other love languages that are sent their way. Now you have that peripheral vision. You say, oh, they're loving on me. It's not my primary love language but I can respond appropriately to that really improves that communication. And I think communication in business for dads or for anybody is really super important. So you improve your communication skills and you prove your consistency. Those are two things that I think really important.

Coach Dustin: 19:14

I love that. It was funny. We just had this last week, two weekends, I don't even know. Two weekends ago we had our dad up retreat and one of the conversations around the campfire one night was that we need to be purposeful. When our spouses are showing us love in their love language, we have to be able to recognize that. So true, and that's just what you said there. So I love that, and this opens your eyes to really all the languages. So this is awesome.

RJ Campbell: 19:40

I would have thought that one of the council members had read your book based on you saying that, because that was a great point, that we read the five love languages. You get to know your spouse's love language, you know your own, but people you don't know. That's always brought up. You have to realize they may be loving on you in a way that's not your love language and you don't even realize that it's theirs.

Coach Dustin: 20:02

That's so good, I love this. So, paul, how can you know the dads out there find your book, get the dice, or dice, die, die? How do they find you?

Paul Zolman: 20:15

You know what People don't like the word die, so I've changed it to cube. I like that word much better, I do too.

RJ Campbell: 20:20

Yeah, when I was reading on your page and some of your background every time I see the word die I thought oh, what happened? Oh, die.

Paul Zolman: 20:27

Single dice Okay, yes, cube.

RJ Campbell: 20:29

We're going with cube.

Paul Zolman: 20:31

It's a marketing thing that we had to. We just made the change. Actually, within the last two weeks, nice I had an analyst tell me you got to get rid of die and so we're calling it a cube. But they can get to answer your question. They can get it at rolloflovecom and it's interesting that you'll. You'll notice the play on words. Roll is what you do with the die or the cube. You roll the cube outside of you, but ROLL changes you within. This has changed you, changed your life, changed your eyesight, changed your communication skills. This whole thing is to improve the skills to the level that you know all five love languages, backwards and forwards, so that you can recognize it when it comes your way and send it out appropriately. Love it. Roll of love dot com.

Coach Dustin: 21:19

Roll of love dot com. Coach RJ over here will make sure that's in the show notes and because, yeah, I love it, I think I'm going to look for it as well. I mean, this was great. It was simple, it was right to the point. Yet this is so impactful. Deads, we need to be showing a love to a lot of different people in our lives. That's really part of the balance, right. We're constantly need to be pushing out that love. So this is super crucial. Make sure you go back, get the notes, get the information from what Paul has taken his journey to and you know you mentioned your previous wife is there's a new wife in the mix? Now You're not no longer single. I think I saw the picture.

Paul Zolman: 21:59

I've been married six years.

Coach Dustin: 22:00

Excellent, awesome, congratulations. I love that. So obviously it's working. So I love it. And then, as we know, we have a lot, of, a lot of children and a lot of grandchildren to make sure you're showing that love to. So this was great Deads. Make sure that you are joining us at the conversation, because I think this is going to really carry this conversation on, because we talk about this so much. You know, we do have the free Facebook group that you can look up the balance business that in groups in Facebook, or you can just go to dadupgroupcom, that'll take you right in there. We'll send you the invitations that you can join us, because we'd really love to carry this conversation on with you. So that's what we have, rj. You got anything else. I have nothing else.

RJ Campbell: 22:42

Paul, do you have anything else? I actually have a question for Paul. All right, what's your wife's love language?

Paul Zolman: 22:48

She likes to receive gifts and she really likes to spend time the way she likes to spend time, which is hilarious for me. She's really one of the most impatient people I've ever met and she likes time. What is up with that? How can you, like I, have time as a love language and be impatient? She likes to receive gifts and she likes to give gifts too.

Coach Dustin: 23:15

Nice, I love it, love it. Well, this was great. Thank you guys so much. Make sure you join the conversation at dadupgroupcom and we'll see you next week.